Happy Belated National Sibling Day

If it wasn’t for Facebook I would be so lost on the goings on of the world. I learned this morning that yesterday was National Sibling Day in America. My response on Facebook to it was unusual: ”I have two confessions to make in light of today being Siblings Day. 1. I’m an incredibly jealous person. My eyes literally are green with envy at times. 2. None of my 3 brothers are friends with me on FB. I deleted them. Why?? Read #1.”

Though I have three brothers, I’m an only child. I think this is probably the first time I actually admitted that. Yeppers. I’m an only child. Sorta.

I got my two oldest brothers when I was 15. J was 10 and S was 6. Their dad asked out my foster mom and before we knew it we were one big, mostly happy family. I was in the foster care system at the time so my foster mom used to be my stepmom. Since no blood relatives stepped up to take me social workers went to the next row of available people and she was right there begging to get me. And she did . It wasn’t very long after that when their dad became my foster dad. Despite some family growing pains my brothers and I got along fabulously. But we never bonded like siblings should. They on the other hand have a very tight-knit bond. A bond that has no room for me.

They don’t even acknowledge that I am their sister outside of our family home. I went to my S’s wedding and the couple at the table asked how I knew the bride or groom. I mentioned that I was the grooms sister. She looked at me shocked and said, “Oh I had no idea. All we ever hear about it his big brother.” I wasn’t surprised but my heart was shattered.

I got my baby brother when I was 19. My biological father got my foster aunt pregnant. Yeah, don’t ask. Eight months after I had Matthew, I got my first blood brother. Well, half blood brother. His mom had 2 other kids. The three of them have a very tight bond. Once again no room for me no matter how hard I tried. Plus it’s hard to be a sibling when you’re a mom to a boy his age. Also, the state took me away from our bio dad for a very good reason. My baby brother idolizes our dad.

So this past winter when I was in a deep depression thanks to my PTSD,  I took a hacksaw to my Facebook friends. I needed Facebook to be a happy safe comforting place. Seeing my siblings laugh joke and play with each other, while completely ignoring me, brought out the green monster. Jealousy sucks.

On a positive note: My parents picked me . I want to buy a t-shirt that says that and wear it to family events. hee hee.  And this issue of being an only child with siblings also resonates well with Steve. Lucky for Steve though him and his sister have a great sibling bound though they were not raised together. Lucky. There goes my jealousy again.

Small Bowel X-Ray Today *tmi alert*

Since February, I have been battling a problem with my stomach and intestines. It all began when a simple half mile walk to pick up Alissa from school landed me in the hospital for 4 days because I was pooping copious amounts of nothing but deep dark red blood. And the pain was worse than childbirth. Seriously, not a cliché. And this is from a woman who had a baby get stuck and put back in…twice (that would be Miss Rachel).

Since that time I have had two colonoscopies, two CAT scans and an X-ray to figure out what is going on. The latest colonoscopy showed redness in the ileum where the small and large intestines meet. Now we are on the hunt to find out why. Lots of fun scary medical things have been tossed around: Crohn’s, irritable bowel disease (different from IBS!!), and ulcerative colitis. Thankfully, not the C word though, trust me, that is always in the back of my mind when doctors can’t find out what is wrong with me. In the process of finding out why, three more tests got ordered up: small bowel x-ray, a blood draw looking at genetic markers for, I think, Crohns, and an endoscopy. The endoscopy is scheduled for May 15. Today was the blood draw and the small bowel x-ray.

My appointment was at 8 am. Steve took the day off to hang out with me. I had to get all changed into a snazzy red and blue diamond hospital gown, blue hospital pants and a blue striped hospital robe. They were nice enough to allow me to keep my skivvies, socks and shoes on. I was in no way making any fashion magazines today!!  After I got changed an x-ray technician fetched me from the Gowned Waiting Room where Steve and I were camping out at.

The first X-ray taken was to make sure that there was not a massive amount of fecal matter that could skew the test results.  I apparently passed that one since she came out with 2 small containers of barium for me to drink. (Steve and I are still joking that we have proof that I am not full of shit). I was terrified of this stuff. I had a very tough time with the colonoscopy prep and did not want a repeat! The barium wasn’t that bad though. It reminded me of the milk of magnesia that my grandma had me drink as a kid. After I drank the first bottle of barium she took another x-ray of it coursing through my system. Then I got to go out and wait. 

Fifteen minutes later, and another bottle of barium down, a guy x-ray tech, fetched me and took me to a totally different x-ray room. I swear the table was so high I thought he was going to have to give me a boost off the step-ladder just to get me on the table. No joke! And yes, I’m that short concentrated awesome. The barium wasn’t quite to where we wanted it so back to the Gowned Waiting Room I went. Thirty minutes later we repeated it. Thirty minutes after that another female x-ray tech came to fetch me. This time we went back to the low table. She had me lay on my tummy for this x-ray. Bingo!! The barium was finally where they wanted. The ileum. Oh thank you barium. The morning news and stream of strangers in the Gowned Waiting Room was making me antsy.

This was when the fun began. I got to go around the corner to an x-ray table with a paddle. Now when heard paddle I of course thought of something with a long handle and a flat round tip. this was not the case. It was like this square dew dropped shaped thing that came down and pressed on my stomach when they took the x-ray. It was so uncomfortable and it sort of hurt me a little. I also went in with some abdominal pain so that wasn’t surprising and probably is not the norm. They took five x-rays in different positions. Then I was free.

I did get a little nervous though. The female tech was happy and bubbly when she took me down. On the way back down to the Gowned Waiting Room she was stone silent. When a medical person has a demeanor change it scares the hell out of me.

When Steve and I left we went to get my blood draw done. It’s a specialized blood draw and the hospital didn’t offer it. I have super teeny tiny veins but the phlebotomist was fantastic.

It will probably be about 10 days or so before I get the results. I will call around the 20th to check on them. Crossing everything we get answers this time. If not we have one more opportunity with the endoscopy on May 15.

Best Deal EVER!

It’s that time of year folks! Spring Dances. My pocketbook cringes every year in fear of what our daughters are going to fall in love with. I have gotten incredibly lucky. For both of Lauren’s proms we paid out maybe $100 on each. She volunteered to be a model for a non-profit organization that was giving dresses to those who couldn’t afford one. For modeling she got to pick out her favorite dress before the event started. Well, I am thinking that some of that good sense trickled right on down to Rachel.

Rachel and a friend asked to go to the mall and try on dresses last weekend. They do this all the time for fun. So when I got a text that she had found “the one!” I was not prepared. With my heart thumping wild and crazy I texted her back, “How much?”  She didn’t reply right away. I knew it had to be bad. I was prepared to tell her that maybe we could find something cheaper at any other store than at Deb. Yeah! She was in Deb! She finally texted me back when Steve was driving over to pick them up. It was the prettiest number I had ever seen. $20. Phew!

After school yesterday we drove over, holding our breaths the whole time, that this dress was still on the clearance rack. The little turkey burger failed to tell me that she hid the dress in the store in hopes no one would see it. Imagine my surprise when she rushes over to a $100 dress rack and starts to push dresses around. That surprise was even bigger when pulls from the very back her adorable little $20 dress. I checked the price tag twice. It started out at $70, then dropped to $40 and was now $20. Sweet!!

We get to the register and our cashier started raving on what a deal we were getting. She even went as far as to say no one ever gets a deal as good we got. I knew we had scored but didn’t think it was that big of a deal. What I wasn’t aware of was that everything in the store, including sales items, were 40% off!!!  Yeah I said that. 40% off. So Rachel’s dress for her spring dance in May only cost me $13. She found a $70 dress and we paid $13. I’m still in shock!!

Hopefully, she will share her good budget sense with her step sisters. Thankfully, this year we don’t have to do a spring dance dress for Heather since this year she will be with her mom the week of the dance. But if it was ours to buy, I was going to send Rachel with her to find one first!!

And…drum roll please….the dress (but add spaghetti straps and take away the bow). It hits Rachel right at her knee. She already has shoes to go with it and I’m her hair dresser. She is going to be gorgeous.

Thinking About Making a Comeback

I have been considering a comeback to blogging for some time. I even started one here and there only to delete it. What I was asking of myself was too great. I had wanted to feel the fun and freedom of blogging like I had in the mid 2000′s.  I wanted this blog and this writing. But the wife and mother on this blog has changed drastically since my last post in 2009.  But “Fragile What!?” kept whispering in my ear that I could come back to this blog and continue on even with a 3.5 year gap. So, here I am trying to figure out the best way to bridge that gap. I’m thinking a timeline. It should help right!? Ok, here goes:

September 2009: My now ex-husband, Kevin, started being a real jerk about me blogging. He told me that his family reads the blog and he attempted to tell me what I could or could not say. For those who know me, never tell me what to do or what I can’t do. I will be defiant and do the exact opposite of what you say. So I quit blogging. That was tough!!

November 2009: My father-in-law passed away. It was heart wrenching to Kevin to see his dad slip off this earth. He had a very tough time with it. I am use to loss. He wasn’t. The next 7 months changed our marriage for the worst. I tried to comfort him but apparently I was not what he wanted. Angie comforted better.

May 2010: The D word is finally uttered. I wanted to do counseling first. I am no quitter. We went to one session. I could tell he really wanted to counselor to say that our marriage had no hope. Instead, the counselor said that one issue could be that I had no where to just escape. He suggested that we turn our bedroom into a safe getaway for me. Kevin didn’t like that. The counselor also explained how survivors of abuse has this deep pit inside them that when activated erupts into this whole different being. He wanted Kevin to start thinking about how child abuse fuels my behaviors. Kevin was not impressed with that either. I wasn’t given anything to think about or work on. I wasn’t too happy with that. I went in with the mindset that my issue was with helping Kevin deal with his grief  After just that one session he decided that couples counseling was useless. We never went back. Not going to lie…I think my marriage could have been saved if he wanted it to be saved.

June 2010: I move out. Lauren turns 18. Divorce is filed and finalized. Angie moves in. I can’t say if Kevin and Angie had an affair. I saw some Facebook conversations between them that gave me red flags. I have no proof but Kevin sure didn’t take to long to replace me. (and yes they are still together)

August 2010: I am diagnosed with Complex PTSD.

October 2010: My best friend, Steve, and I are chatting and jokingly say that we should try dating. Our exes were jealous of our friendship. Maybe they were seeing something we didn’t see. So Steve and I begin a long distance relationship. 2, 161 miles to be exact.

March 2011: Rachel and I fly to meet Steve and his daughters. Well, I had met Steve but Rachel hadn’t met any of them before. I come home and do the craziest thing I would have never imagined myself doing. I put in a 2 month notice at work and start planning a move to be closer to Steve.

June 2011: I move to the NE part of the USA. Steve flew down to drive Matthew and I to our new home. Best trip ever!! Rachel stayed back to spend the summer with her dad. She joined us in August 2011. Longest two months EVER!

May 2012: Steve proposes!!

December 2012: Steve and I elope. <3 My family grows by 3. Steve and his two daughters, Heather and Alissa .

February 2013: I am admitted into the hospital for four days with some intestinal issue. As of today, we are still testing and trying to figure out what is going on.

I think that pretty well catches us up. I hope. So here I blog again. Hopefully, consistently.

Bye Bye FXSmom

Due to a breach in trust, this blog will no longer be updated.  If I choose to continue blogging, I will contact each of my dedicated readers individually to give details of my new location.  Thank you all for your years of dedicated readership.  I hope what remains of this blog can still possibly help those families with fxs see that real life can still happen after a diagnosis.

WW: The Original Bus = Short Bus!

My favorite season has arrived!!!

I love this season!!  It is by far my favorite one.  If it wasn’t for visitation schedules I would have had an autumn wedding.  And people say that love blooms in spring.  Not me!  My heart blooms in fall.  And of course, I met my hubby in the fall.  In my mind fall is the season for reorganizing, refocusing, cleaning, etc.  Maybe it’s the subconscious feeling of prepping for the winter.  I hope good things happen this autumn .