Posting the pictures of Edward got me to thinking about why in the world I would want another baby when I’m raising four kids already. Two teens and two fragile x preteens are a handful. They are a joy but they definitely keep us hopping.
One of the biggest reasons is because I never had a choice in creating my children. I never got to plan out having a baby with the man I loved and excitedly tell my parents about it. Part of being a fragile x carrier is being a little bit more fertile than the rest of the female population. So both of my babies were total accidents, at the end of relationships, while I was on birth control. Rachel was conceived using two forms!! With Matty I loved his father but he didn’t love me. With Rachel, I had just left the relationship because I had learned my ex was a convicted sex offender. It was bad enough that my father was a sex offender! I darn sure wasn’t going to marry one.
No one was happy when I told them I was pregnant. Both times I was fighting with my adopted mom when it just spilled out. The second time my dad actually asked if I was like a black widow….using men to make babies and then kicking them to the curb. I wasn’t even happy when I got pregnant with Rachel. I was still trying to accept the fact that all my babies had a 50/50 chance of being born with fragile x.
So I made the decision when I got my positive pregnancy test with Rachel to get my tubes cut and cauterized. After having her, my OB-GYN told me that it was a good decision because I was at risk of dying or losing my baby if I went through another pregnancy. Part of me also decided to do it because of those horrible words my adopted dad had said. I honestly was too young to really know what I needed and wanted. I was 21 and everyone else made it sound like I was doing the right thing. I just wanted to make everyone else happy and do what was “right.”
I know it’s not a reality because I had a hysterectomy and I would have never gone through reversing a tubal. But I wish just one time I could have planned a baby with the man I was totally, madly in love with. I wish just once my family would have been stoked about my pregnancy and supported me throughout it. I wish I could have had a baby shower out of fun and not necessity. My guest would smile in joy and not force their joy. I wish I would have had my child with the man that I love holding my hand and comforting me and enjoying the moment that the birth occurred.
None of those things will ever happen. They are literally just wishes. And that breaks my heart in a million pieces.
I know so many people in this world are dying for just one child and I have been blessed with two I birthed and my husband’s two. My adopted mom couldn’t bear children at all and I heard her voice her anguish many times. It’s not the same kind of hurt that my heart is heavy. It’s like going to Disney Land and only being able to ride the golf cart in the parking lot with Goofy. You get to go and look around but you missed out on the full, natural experience.