A Vent

I had originally posted this vent on my myspace blog but I thought I might share it here.  I’m home from work again today.  I thought I would be fine last night but all the poking and prodding that the tech and doc did finally caught up with me.  I was in sooo much pain this morning.  A few hours of the heating pad and a very hot bath has helped tremendously.  Kevin may work this Saturday since I have missed 3 days of work this pay period.  I feel soo guilty when he has to do that.  I guess I should just be happy that I have a man who is good enough to do that. 

Anyway here is my vent.  Warning….there are a lot of cuss words.  I’m known to cuss like a sailor. 

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I am soo angry at my “mom.”  She makes me feel like she loves me when it benefits her or makes her look good but the rest of the time I don’t exist except to make fun of and talk shit about.  Half the things she says about me are total bullshit.  Thank God most people know how she is and know not to believe what she is saying.

But come on…if you are going to go through this, “I’m the best person on the planet because I raised this kid that wasn’t mine” persona then fucking give a shit about the kid. 

I was terrified Monday night because of my doctor saying that my pain was not normal.  I called my mom and she just made fun of me.  And then she asks if I’m pregnant.  How fucked up is that.  I HAD to get my tubes tied before I was ready to stop having kids because I carried a gene that would make all my kids mentally retarded.  AND if I had another baby either me or the baby could die.  She knows that.  She knows I was forced to stop having babies before I was ready.  So why the hell does she always ask if I’m pregnant.  It crushes my heart every time she says those damn words.

And then I called her yesterday and left a message on her cell phone to let her know I had a cyst that had a 50/5 chance of having to be surgically removed.  She totally didn’t give a shit.  She called me later to tell me about Laura getting a C-section.  I asked if she got my message and she just says Yeah.  No, I’m sorry honey.  No, that really sucks. No, I hope they don’t have to do surgery.  Nothing. Just yeah.  Thanks for really giving a shit. 

She wants me to come over this weekend because Grandma Lawrence and Grandma McSpirit are here but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to be around any of them. Why should I go over so she can put on this act like I’m the best thing in the world.  She don’t treat me that way.  And I’m already hearing about how Sarah is their favorite.  Why don’t you have Sarah come over.  Oh wait…probably because she feels the same way I do.

I want to be loved.  I want be supported by the people who are supposed to be my family.  I never thought that would be too much to ask.  But I guess it is.