Dx-Day

For my past FX Memories please click this sentence.

 I’m not exactly sure how long the test took that they took on Matthew.  I wasn’t anxiously watching the calendar and counting days because I didn’t think they would find anything. 

The pediatrician called me on February 12, 1997 and scheduled an appointment with me on Valentine’s Day.  I called Matt’s dad and told him what was going on.  I was shocked that he offered to drive me. 

I was never once concerned that anything was found.  I figured we would go into the doctor and we would discuss what we would do next. 

We had an afternoon appointment.  Matt’s dad was right on time.  At least he was good at that.  I was still ridiculously naive and thought our relationship had hope.  I handed him his Valentine’s Day present.  After he buckled Matt into the car he tossed in on the backseat floor.  It was like a knife slowly inching through my heart. 

When we arrived at the doctors office we were ushered to his office.  This was when I started to get nervous.  To not help matters any, Matt’s dad grabbed my hand and held it the whole time.  Aaaahhh!!  Do you want us or not!!

I sat down in the farthest chair in the room, which was close to the window.  Matt’s dad sat Matt’s carseat between our chairs and sat down close to the door. 

Dr. H started with the hearing test.  It came out perfect. 

Next up was the vision test.  It showed that his eyes were underdeveloped.  He said that in time they could catch up or not.  Only time would tell.

After that was the MRI.  Matty had a small amount of fluid or tissue depressing his brain slightly in the front.  The doc wasn’t real worried about it because it was actually common in babies.  It will usually dissipate in time.  Once again…time would tell.

He left the worst for last.  He laid out the copies of Matt’s chromosome test.  It was cool to see my babies 23 pairs of chromosomes.  They looked perfect.  But I learned that they weren’t.  Dr. H told us that he has fragile X syndrome.  His X chromosome, which I gave him, showed that it was slightly unraveled. 

Fragile X was something I had never heard of.  I had no idea what it meant.  Was it curable?  Could it be fixed with medication?  Did it last forever?

All I remember him saying was that it caused mental retardation, it was genetic and from me. 

He went on after that but I shut down.  I heard nothing.  My mind was going a hundred miles an hour.  My entire life had changed in just one sentence.  I no longer knew what kind of plans to make for my future because I didn’t know what my future would hold.  I had no clue what to picture in my future.  I was trying to wrap my mind around it but I was in shock. 

I saw Matt’s dad stand up and shake the doctors hand.  I realized that the doctor was done.  I tried to refocus on his words but all I caught was that if I had questions to give him a call.  I was thankful that Matt’s dad had the baby because I wouldn’t have been able to carry him to the car.  I was even more thankful that he was driving.  Not that I could then.  I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was 20 (long story). 

I didn’t talk to him for the 30 minute drive.  I was still in shock.  My perfect little boy could be mentally retarded.  I didn’t even know that saying retarded wasn’t socially accepted anymore.  When we pulled into the parking lot of my apartment I reached back to give Matty back his binky.  I saw the present I had given Matt’s dad laying on the floor and my heart successfully ripped in two. 

His dad didn’t come inside with me.  He put Matty and his carseat on the landing.  He very softly touched my hand and left.  I carried Matty the rest of the way into my apartment.  He was sound asleep.  He always fell asleep on car rides.  I gently lifted him out of his carseat, held him, and cried until no more tears would come.