Pay no mind to this post – just needed to vent

I feel like I am in a room of mirrors with no way out.  The walls are slowly closing in on me.  If I was a drinker I would sit in a corner and drink myself to oblivion.

My little brother’s wedding is tomorrow.  It is many hours away.  Many hours away we cannot afford right now at $4.04/gallon.  But we have to go.  I mean it is my little brother. 

I just learned that my other brother and his wife are once again expecting.  I want to be happy for them but I’m sad.  Here comes another baby that I won’t have any part of.  They live so far away.  I’ve only seen their 1st baby once in the past 18 months.  I’ll never know my nieces and nephews.

My surgery is hitting at the worst possible time in my life.  I wish I could change the date but my body can’t handle that.  I need to have it done.  Then I feel selfish because I want to just get it over with which means everyone around is having to sacrifice for me.  How fair is that??  I don’t want anyone going out of their way for me.  Ever. 

Theresa graciously is taking me to my surgery so Kevin won’t have to work a weekend to make up for it.  I HATE his job.  I see him for about an hour a day during the week.  And during that hour he is busy either getting ready for work or doing his evening stuff before bed.  He doesn’t have vacation, sick time or holidays off.  If they want it off they have to make it up on a Saturday. 

Kevin normally would sacrifice a weekend to be with me during surgery but his stepson from his second marriage is coming down for two weeks.  The weekend after my surgery is the only full weekend he will get to spend time with him.  I can’t take that away from Kevin or his stepson. 

On top of that I’m struggling with my teens.  It’s just normal parenting stuff but my patience is wearing thin.  And I have a lot of patience.  I don’t want to be the type of parent who yells all the time.  I’m so not a yeller.  I never really had to yell at my kids.  A stern voice and they were busting booty.  But I think because of the issues with the oldest two’s past that just don’t really work.  We’ve tried so many different things and they may work for a while but that is it…if it works at all.  I just pray I can help guide them to 18 without them failing school, teen pregnancies, jail time, whatever.

For a little more stress my little family is feuding with Kevin’s brother and his family.  There is a lot of favoritism that goes on towards my nieces.  And my kids suffer for it.  Kevin is so done with it he is ready to pack up and move.  I don’t blame him.  I feel that way about my family too.  I know I won’t be missed if we moved away.  And if I moved away my family would be at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to visiting us.  My brothers, especially my older one, comes before me.  Oddly enough it is Kevin and I who try to be there for our parents and help them out. 

Oh and back to the surgery, I forgot I have to pay the bank my insurance while I’m out.  I tallied up what that will cost.  $240.38.  Yep, I just have that laying around…NOT!!  I need to go to Personnel and see what I can work out.  Ugh…this sucks so bad. 

I’m ready for the stray bullet.