One of the things I hate the most about being a fragile x carrier is my depression. I HATE it!! Even with meds things sneak in and I can’t do anything about it. One of those issues is feeling tied down. I don’t do well feeling confined but most of the time I can adjust.
I never wanted a cell phone because I felt like people could keep tabs on me. I adjusted to having one after my car accident. With Kevin being the son of a cop he didn’t really appreciate having a Sheriff calling him and telling him I had been in an accident and was okay. He knew Sheriff’s had to lie until the party arrived on scene. And I was okay…he just didn’t believe it. So he had me get a cell phone so if I was ever in another accident I could call him and tell him I was fine…not the Sheriff. There are times I want to throw it out the van window but I refrain and move on.
I think part of the reason I had so many engagements was that same trapped feeling. I was engaged 5 times from the time I was 16 until I was 27. Every other year (not literally) I had a new fiancé! Marriage scared the shit out of me. There is no going back on that. And divorce is never an option for me. I will never forget how pissed I was when Rachel’s great-grandma told me it was okay to marry her grandson because if it didn’t work out I could just divorce him. Yeah. Ya know. Marriage just doesn’t work like that with me.
And, I don’t know, maybe I never let myself be legally adopted because I didn’t want that kind of commitment. After years of child abuse I already knew that I couldn’t trust those in authority. With no legal family ties, if I was to get hurt, I could cut that person out without feeling much guilt. We all know I could never do that and that if I did I would feel guilty as hell. But it is nice to think I have that option.
What is odd in all this is that I don’t feel trapped by the kids and or by fragile x syndrome. I feel free when I’m with my kids. But I’m getting off on another subject entirely.
Very, very slowly that trapped feeling has been eeking back into my life. It finally peaked last night. I was driving to get the girls from my parent’s house and I just wanted to flee. I wanted to flee the job that I hate so damn much. I wanted to flee the house I loathe with every fiber in my soul. I wanted to run as far away as I could from the little town that I’ve spent 2/3 of my life in.
When I got the girls, their presence soothed me. Their carefree giggles and fun-nature brought me back out from the depths. And even though I hate, despise, and loathe those things, I would be lost without the people in them. So thankfully today I don’t want to take my last $60 and run as far as it would take me. Which really isn’t all that far these days