“increased shyness and social anxiety have been reported in some women with the (fragile x) premutation” Franke, P., Leboyer, M., Hardt, J., Sohne, E., Weiffenbach, O., & Biancalana, V., et al. (1999). Neuropsychological profiles of FMR-1 premutation and full mutation carrier females. Psychiatry Research, 87, 223-231.
This is my hell. I’m locked within myself. A piece of me will be reaching out while the rest of me is holding me in and down. No one understands. I know I’m disappointing the ones I love. But the force keeping me away is too strong to fight. And even though I know this, I still fight it. Then I get sick. Sometimes it is a simple cold or an upset tummy. But lately it has resulted in a migraine.
Where is all this coming from? My latest disappointment in myself and to my family that occurred yesterday. We had a family reunion. (I just heard a collective groan from all you carriers out there.) I had no clear cut plans. No specific time. No idea of what was going on or what was expected of me. In my mind, I would know very little outside of my mom and my aunts. It was in a place that I wasn’t sure where to find and haven’t been to since my early, early childhood.
The effects started Friday. I had tried to contact my mom to find out specs on this thing. I was told by my young cousin that they were heading out to eat. I won’t lie. I freaked out! I had children wanting to make plans. I had exes wanting their kids. So I did what I thought best and decided to battle the 1 instead of the 3. I sent my kids with their other family and let Austin go to his friends. And then I stressed. And I worried. I do both so well, I must say. I do it so well that I managed to give myself a handy dandy migraine.
Saturday morning rolled around. I forced myself out of bed around 8:30 so I could get showered. I had to take Lauren to work and get Matthew a tooth fairy gift. I still hadn’t heard from my mother and the pain started to settle behind my left eye. Typical, so very typical.
My mother called later to finally give me some insight on this reunion. She was really stressed and I just couldn’t tell her that there was no way I could do this. Especially knowing that she wouldn’t understand. So I played along and kicked myself with every word that seeped from my lips. Kevin got off of work at noon and by this time my migraine was in full swing. I tried another one of the meds that the doc had given my to try out. It didn’t work for the pain but it knocked me out most of the afternoon.
I know Lauren wanted to go. She is such a social person. I envy her that. I’m glad she can be. Kevin was following my lead. He is such a good husband. He tries to understand the inner workings of my crazy, defected mind. My mother never called and I feel horrible that I bailed on her.
Today, my head is still pounding but nothing like yesterday. My entire Labor Day weekend has been shot. And I have no one to blame by myself.